Self-Compassion and Your Mental Health

The concept of self-compassion is not widely known or understood by the vast majority of people I have worked with in the counselling room.

When I offer to clients: “Can you give yourself permission to be kinder to yourself?” I can picture the puzzled look this might bring up. Some have replied: “Yes, I know I should have more compassion for myself”. Others have asked, reluctantly, if compassion for themselves would make them self-absorbed or selfish. On reflecting, they thought self-compassion would feel uncomfortable. Unfamiliar — and somehow wrong, perhaps.

There are many misconceptions about what self-compassion is. My experience as a therapist has shown me that we often don’t know what self-compassion feels like, and what it means to truly have more compassion for ourselves.

Kristen Neff, the pioneer in the study of self-compassion, has described self-compassion as the process of turning compassion inward. When we see others suffering and in pain, we naturally feel compassion and empathy for them. Self-compassion involves acting the same way towards yourself when you are having a difficult time or notice something you don’t like about yourself. Neff says that many people worry that self-compassion will make them lazy and complacent, but in fact, self-compassion can actually increase our motivation and it can be a helpful practice for us.

Self-compassion offers powerful benefits

For a lot of people (therapists included!) self-compassion does not simply happen automatically. It’s a skill we learn to appreciate, evoke, and cultivate along our life journey.

I remember an experience years ago when I was feeling extremely self-critical and was berating myself. The more I focused on my inadequacies, the worse I felt, and the more I wanted to stay in bed and do nothing. In the depths of this difficult experience, I suddenly recalled a self-compassion practice I learnt at a retreat, and decided to direct some kindness and compassion to myself. In less than a minute, my mood lifted. Something had shifted inside me. I jumped out of bed and in an instant, my day —and my whole outlook— changed for the better. I was surprised at how a simple act of being kind with myself could so quickly change how I feel.

For many years, I have been integrating self-compassion practice in my work with clients, especially those who struggle with anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem.

Research shows that self-compassion is a powerful source of coping and resilience we have available to us, radically improving our mental well-being. Fostering self-compassion is not complicated or difficult. It’s a skill that can be learned and enhanced.

If you’re struggling to foster self-compassion in your life, don’t beat yourself up about it. With some guidance and practice, you can get better at it.

Best of all, the more you use self-compassion, the more you will find it becomes second nature in your everyday life.

— Connie Wong

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